I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
