I just pynch a tree in the face
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
