Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
