My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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