i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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