So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
How's work?
Spinning.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
