fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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