Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We were destined to go to rehab together
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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