he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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