just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
