bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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