Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
