1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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