great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
