I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
