i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
