You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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