I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Randomize
