He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
