I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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