i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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