If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
