I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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