I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
