I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
