Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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