Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
