Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
