I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
