He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Randomize
