just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize