i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
