I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
