Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
