JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
