Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
