Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
