Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
