I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
