my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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