it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
