and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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