WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
