some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
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