yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
