woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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