I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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