I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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