Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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