When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Randomize
