She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
