I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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