im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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