Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
