Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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