And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My ATM looks so different sober.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
