Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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