i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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