i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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